Void 8/18/22

i don’t know how i feel, i simultaneously feel like everything and nothing 

i don’t remember the last time i felt complete there’s always something missing

this is most likely a inspiration and motivational rut i’ll push through it as i do all things but i miss the emotional intensity i used to experience

nowadays i just feel existent but i don’t feel alive

sometimes i miss being so depressed all i could do was lie down and feel terrible. i felt comfortable like time stretched on and i could get away with doing nothing forever 

i don’t miss wanting to die i just miss the intensity i felt when i wanted to die 

the excitement in my life has never peaked to me feeling euphoric and total so i’m a romantic for pain 

how else would you know you’re alive if you didn’t feel pain 

i don’t enjoy pain i just expect it which is comforting

if you asked me how i felt i would say i’m ok and i wouldn’t change my answer even if you insisted

i feel ok because this is normal to me 

but i don’t have the words to express the complexity of it 

part of me is a void, simultaneously everything and nothing. capacity without fulfillment. a soda shaken and left to sit, i don’t always feel like i’m going to explode but i know i have built up pressure 

this ties back into me being a frustrated person at times, i just wish to feel something intense and surreal like time and space itself has paused for this moment 

maybe i need to feel loved, maybe i need to feel abandoned. which would help me more?