Vice 4/23/24

i’ve recently picked up a new vice because i was bored,

it’s similar to peeling the hangnails from under my skin

picking my nails can be seen as grooming, a positive to keep my nail beds presentable but i truly don’t care for that

i do it because i’m bored

the only addiction i have to my vices is that it’s entertaining to expirement with myself.

if i pick my nails will you worry that i bleed or will you worry more i don’t seem too attune?

it doesn’t make me feel stellar,

and i know it won’t last long 

but i do it for the mean time to see what happens.

so far i feel real,

at times things as little as a projection screen descending from a classroom ceiling remind me of how viscerally real i am.

i don’t feel anxious to breathe.

i don’t preach of this ‘miracle’ because it’s not stellar to be regular.

i’m just happy that i exist and i don’t feel like my skin is choking me.

my vices make me regular and this is the first time i’ve felt content with my self in a long time.

there was a time in my mid teens where i felt like i had to be an antagonist to feel good about myself,

if anyone made me feel any type of way against them i wanted to become their enemy,

i wanted to be hated because i hadn’t felt loved,

and it was a thrill to be hated, 

to know that the mention of your name sparks such fury, disgust, and competition into others spirit,

to know that you’re always on their mind,

to me being hated gave me power, and i loved it until i realized that hate will leave me alone.

if you couldn’t love me, i would make you hate me, that way you would have no choice but to keep me on your mind.

hate and love were one in the same to me because both would guarantee our bond.

but i’m proud to say that my desire to be hated is hibernating. 

i don’t think that part of me will ever die, i’m naturally competitive and emotional when it comes to my pride, 

when i miss the fire i just miss the raw passion of proving myself, it’s comfort food for the ego.

i don’t feel glamorous but i know i am.

there’s no need to prove myself to anyone because i’m largely beginning not to care anymore, 

“it’s stupid” i say and yet if challenged i’d feel the need to strike.

i love the game,

it would be an honor to meet my match.

that’s my 2nd vice, hate and competition.

although i wouldn’t call it a vice, it’s just who i am. 

this new vice just puts it in the real.