Girlhood 8/6/22

i am a girl struggling to transform my womanhood 

most of being a girl for me is undecisiveness of who i am and who i should be, what i want and what i need 

i’m an emotional person and that makes me fluid i don’t stay stuck often i thank that part of it but i’m used to being stuck my comfort is hidden away to be seen and heard but never truly seen and listened. i want to be digested and know i’m capable of making full.

sometimes i think tragedy is beautiful i’ve seen it all my life i’m just so used to it and when it happens it’s just a warm reminder nothing has changed and my contentment is fine when it shouldn’t be.

as a girl i deserve everything i know i do but i still accept crumbs and get upset at the people dropping them, they should really be neater and ladylike

is that all it is, ladylike content neat demure be bold but god forbid a bitch 

sometimes i wanna be a bitch and i am when i can’t handle it but most of the time it isn’t worth it, i’m a woman what does it matter 

sometimes i pitty myself for being a girl i’ve always wished i was a boy so i could be myself 

nobody cares when boys are bitchy 

i truely realized i wasn’t invisible when i was like 16 i couldn’t slip away with vagueness so easily and just be a character in the background i was forced to participate in reality i act invisible when i need the boost but i’m mostly ok with just existing unfortunately

i try to be more feminine like it’s dress up trying on different attitudes and i found one that fit

i should be whoever i feel in that moment, i won’t feel the same in 5 minutes from now so why would i act the same 

“women want too much” says those only with nothing at all to give

being a girl is just acting ok, it’s always ok 

it gets great then it just gets ok 

if it’s bad it’s just ok 

if it gets ugly your respect will be stripped

ok to not complain and be silent cause if i did who would hear

only those people made of water 

heavy soft intoxicating deep fluid water